You should know I have robots
Lots and lots of robots
And not just sneaky election-stealing,
Misinformation-spewing phone-call-making
Robots—I’m talking about military drone robots
All-you-can-eat consumer indexing robots
Social media trolling and snooping robots
Robots that dig tundra in search of bitumen
Robots that run for office
Robots that vote
Though they only vote Conservative—
LOL—it’s a special app we put in there!

You should know that the Internet
(of which I’ve been informed)
Is of great concern to me and I watch it
(or have it watched) closely every day
I think only certain approved websites
Should be available there
I think only certain approved contents
Should be posted there—
I’ve heard concerns raised about
Freedom of speech and the
Charter of Rights and Freedoms
But you should know that
I have a sneaking suspicion
You are all just perverts and
I will protect you perverts
Because I have your best
Pervy interests at heart

You should know I watch videotapes
Of dictator’s speeches
From which I borrow liberally—
The speeches of dictators
Fill me with the resolve I need
It’s not that I don’t believe in democracy—
I do—it’s just that we’ve tried that
And it was so hard to get elected
And so few people “get” or “agree” with me

You should know that I’m not evil
It’s just that I know
That I know better than you
And we’re going to do things my way
I’m sure you’ll come around
I can wait while you have your little tantrum

You should know that as a child
I didn’t harm any small animals
Though I thought about it

You should know that as a child
I knew other kids were just losers
And that I would win in the end—
It’s all about winning
And when I said you should
Give me a strong majority
In the last election
It was because I really wanted to win!
So who cares how I won—
I won! Suck it, losers!

You should know that money talks
Really—I’ve heard it—it’s pretty much
The only thing I listen to
Now if only money could vote!
(well, actually, it sort of does…)

You should know that the cops are on my side
You should know the corporations are on my side
You should know foreign investors
Are on my side—hell, I’m almost popular!
I don’t go in for all this “radical” environment talk
I’m building jails for those guys—
Did I mention cops and corporations
Were on my side?
The climate isn’t changing—
It’s just good for business

You should know one last thing…
It’s about the robots again…
Sometimes I get this feeling
That really I’m working for them—
The way they flash their cash-clean smiles
The way their corporate logos gleam
And the time they showed me that room
Marked “Tar Sands Condos”
Which was filled with rows upon rows
Of vases they said were for your
Children’s and grandchildren’s ashes—
And then I get to thinking
Maybe—just maybe—I’m a robot
You know? I could have been
Programmed for all of this
Made for the sole purpose of
Rigging and stealing elections and—

You should know—I’m kidding!
Gotcha losers! But hey—thanks
For your “vote”

—Stephen Collis